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Surviving Spouses | Survivors
June 2004It's always difficult to see a loved one go. We all feel so helpless to aid the family, to say the right words, do they want me with them, do they want me to go away... I think we can tell by their reaction whether they want us near or just to be silent for a while. I know many single people lose all of their former friends when a spouse dies. Don't leave them alone for days, however. Check in with the survivors to make sure they are OK. They will always say, "I'm fine!" Don't believe it. It takes time to walk though the grieving process. Be sensitive to their needs on weekends, on special holidays, with chores that needs to be done, with running errands, with writing thank you notes, eating correctly. It's always comforting to have a phone number handy to call in an emergency or perhaps just a time they need to talk. We can judge by the activities they knew before. Most will change but it's difficult to change everything over night. Be very sensitive to what people don't say. Just be there. Often times we don't need to say anything. There are many things to consider but for the most part, be very sensitive to the situation. I had an elderly lady take me around to run errands one day. She's a card! She took me out to lunch after my errands and got lunch using her coupons and senior discount. It was hilarious and we laughed a lot. She was actually just being herself. But it was exactly what I needed. I write a lot and so I continue to write. Of course, many couldn't handle the situation, didn't know what to say, and quite writing but that's OK. I understood that. I also maintained my relationship with Jesus Christ. I would set in church and just soak up the Holy Spirit. If I wanted to cry, I cried. People would just pass the Kleenex box. . . I studied scriptures a lot, also, about heaven. I read a lot of books about others who had experienced the same situation. I heard from many in the military and that was very comforting. Amazingly, I heard from the President of the United States one year later, also. That was going the second mile. I walked a lot. Exercise is good and keep a proper diet and get enough rest. Everyone handles things differently, but you really have to be sensitive to the person in need and be bold and step out. If that's not the correct thing for you to do, you will sense it. It's been a while now since I lost my loved one and I'm beginning to clean out even more of his things. Actually, many pictures and letters are yellowed, I don't even know the people in many of the pictures of the parades, programs, various veterans groups, etc. . . So I'm not keeping those anymore. They brought precious memories and support at the time and the precious memories still remain but I can't carry these "things" with me anymore. I am moving to a condo with two bedrooms and it's just time to let those things go. Of course, I still have "stuff" but I have to be realistic, too. Someone else would have to do this after I'm gone so why not me do it now. It hasn't been as difficult for me to do this as it would have been a years ago. But the time is right now. Happy Father's Day to all the Father's. Carolyn is a contributing writer for 4MilitaryFamilies.com. |
